Feeling Once More
by Sarah's Crack
Summary: Buffy reflects on Spike's foray into music during "Once More, With Feeling." Spoilers, obviously, for OMWF. Response to Alex's fic challenge. This is my first fic here, so please be gentle ;).


TITLE: Feeling Once More (1/1)  
  
AUTHOR: Sarah, AKA Spike Girl  
  
PAIRING: Implied S/B  
  
RATING: Maybe a light R? I really have no clue. Proceed with caution :).  
  
DISCLAIMER: Look: If you think I own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you have bigger problems than trying to sue me for copyright infringement. But, for the record, I don't any of it. Well, except James Marsters. So please don't sue me...Unless you're James Marsters. Then you can do whatever you want to me ;).  
  
SUMMARY: In response to Alex's fic challenge. It's located at the end.  
  
FEEDBACK: Flames are welcome and appreciated. Maybe then all my *FRIENDS* will finally realize that I'm not cut out for this whole fanfiction thing...E-mail me at spike_girl@angelfire.com  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I suck. Oh, and spoilers up to season 6's "Once More, With Feeling."  
  
************************************************************************  
  
They were pressed against each other, face to face, body to body. She could feel Spike tremble beneath her...feel his arms tentatively moving to her waist.  
  
Buffy's breathing quickened, and she looked into those eyes. Those beautiful, clear, blue...  
  
Wait. Beautiful?  
  
Rewind.  
  
Spike's tongue flicked over his lips, wetting them slightly. She stared for a moment, then shook her head quickly and pushed herself off of him.  
  
What in reality was mere seconds had seemed like hours. Buffy jumped out of the fresh grave, leaving behind a very bewildered Spike.  
  
"So....you're not staying then?"  
  
She was already out of the cemetery when he spoke, but her keen hearing managed to pick it up. She couldn't help but smile a little.  
  
She really shouldn't be surprised...And she really shouldn't feel bad. But...She did anyway.  
  
After all, it wasn't like he had WANTED to say...no, sing...those things to her. He had even tried to get her to leave when he realized what was happening.  
  
That still didn't change what she had heard. The songs made people reveal the truth. Spike really wanted her to stay away?  
  
It wasn't like she cared or anything. Because she didn't. It wasn't even like she would ever NOT want to stay away from him. Basically, he was just singing about what would happen anyway. He wanted to be with her, but she would avoid him. She ALWAYS avoided him. Really. It wasn't like she ever sought him out.  
  
Well, except for when she had come to see if he knew what was causing the singing. And when she had first come back and was feeling smothered by everyone. Oh, and the time she needed to just get drunk and forget about her problems. On Halloween? It wasn't like she had INTENTIONALLY gone to him with the purpose of patrolling. His crypt had just been on the way! Besides, she had nothing to do with Dawn being missing. What was she going to do? Tell him to sit there while her sister got eaten by a bunch of vampires? It made sense to have him come along for the ride. She hadn't needed his help, though. She never needed his help.  
  
See? She never sought Spike out. Why should she start now? The nerve of him! To tell her to stay away when she would never willingly set foot--  
  
Buffy stopped and sighed. Denial wasn't just a river in Egypt, was it? Still...Going to Spike a few times when she felt lousy meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was just...It's not like she could have gone to her FRIENDS. That was the only reason she talked to Spike.  
  
Wait. That couldn't be right.  
  
She could...Oh, God. Buffy stopped in her tracks.  
  
'Spike understands me even better than my friends do. The only time I can really be ME, the only time I can stop putting up this facade of being okay is when I'm with him. I go to him because he comforts me. Because he understands. I may feel depressed, or angry, occasionally happy, but the point is--I FEEL. With everyone else....It's like there's a barrier between us. Everything inside me is held back. With Spike, the floodgates burst open. And he never tells them, either. He's the only one I've told....where I was, and I asked him to keep it a secret. He has. Maybe he's more loyal than I thought. Maybe he really IS genuine.' Her thoughts ran away with her.  
  
Slight pangs of guilt set in as Buffy realized Spike's song wasn't as far off base as she had originally thought. She *did* only go to see him when she needed comfort, or someone to talk to, or information...even booze. When had she ever come just because? To see how he was doing? How often when they conversed did they talk about him?  
  
'I've been so incredibly selfish,' she thought. 'He loves me, so he goes along with it, but...  
  
Hold up a minute.  
  
Love?  
  
'I mean, I know he SAYS it all of the time, but...'  
  
The sounds of Spike's melodic voice filled her head. She came to another realization that night.  
  
Spike really *did* love her.  
  
Despite whatever sick fascination he might have had, or any lies he may have told her...The songs conveyed whatever his heart, unbeating or not, felt. What had he said? He was her willing slave?  
  
Buffy's cheeks burned a bright red as thoughts of what she could do with a willing Spike flashed through her mind.  
  
'Focus Buffy, FOCUS!'  
  
She tried to clear her mind, but all she could see was Spike sliding off of his tomb with the fluid grace that he always exhibited. That red shirt of his flapping with the motion.  
  
Mmmmm...That red shirt. He hadn't worn it for a while. She had missed it. Now, if only he had been wearing his duster, the ensemble would have been perfect.  
  
Where the HELL did those thoughts come from?  
  
Quickly wiping the drool from her mouth, Buffy entered the Magic Box. She was ready to take out her frustrations during her training session with Giles.  
  
She really had a lot to think about, though.  
  
Spike didn't want to see her again unless she was ready to admit that there was something between them--which there DEFINITELY wasn't.  
  
Well, not counting those painted on jeans that separated her from...  
  
BAD!  
  
Despite all her misgivings, and his...colorful...past, she could safely say that his love for her was genuine.  
  
That was good to know. He mind wandered to when she had landed on top of him, and her pulse raced. Specifically, she thought about the hardness that had pressed into her thigh as she wiggled off of him.  
  
He *REALLY* hadn't minded being knocked into that grave.  
  
Love? Check. Physical attraction? Definite check. She giggled. At least if she ever had an itch she couldn't scratch, she would know where to go...  
  
Shit.  
  
Buffy slipped into the bathroom and noted the source of her sudden discomfort. She had been thinking about Spike, and somehow her panties had become absolutely drenched.  
  
Well, that was weird.  
  
Grabbing her workout clothes from the closet, she was glad she had some clean underwear. Training in wet ones would probably be VERY uncomfortable.  
  
Probably more uncomfortable than the sudden throbbing which began to take over her entire body.  
  
With a small sigh, she once again imagined the scene earlier that evening. Spike in the cemetery, lying beneath her. Why, she could have done ANYTHING to him, and he couldn't have stopped her. Hmmmm....Interesting. What if she had...  
  
Buffy clenched her legs together in an attempt to stop the liquid that was seeping down her legs.  
  
Great. Now she had to train while she was feeling incredibly horny.  
  
Horny? Spike had made her...  
  
'No,' she corrected herself. 'The fact that you haven't gotten any since Riley left,' she shuddered momentarily, 'or, hell, since you've been back from the dead...THAT'S why you're horny. It's not Spike. Any other guy would have had the same effect on you.'  
  
After she had convinced herself of that, and mopped up the puddle that had formed, she stepped into the training room.  
  
"Giles?" She called.  
  
She would train for now. Taking her...aggressions...out on some inanimate objects would do her some good. Then MAYBE--just MAYBE--she would go and talk to Spike. But not about her. About him.  
  
Then again...He HAD told her to stay away. Who did he think he was? Like she would ever waste any of her precious time thinking about him, or the visits she paid him. As if.  
  
Buffy shoved aside her muddled thoughts and prepared to focus on the task at hand. She could deal with everything later. All she had to do was stop this whole singing phenomenon. It wasn't like she was going to have to go and save Dawn from a tap-dancing demon in a bad suit who caused people to spontaneously combust and wanted to take her to Hell to become his queen. Besides, it was only Tuesday.  
  
Giles entered the training room and she smiled at him. She just hoped this didn't turn into one of those cheesy 80's movie training montages...  
  
*THE END* :)  
  
  
  
************************************************************************  
  
THE CHALLENGE:  
  
Our intrepid heroes have been through a lot. Faced many a beastie. Saved  
  
the world over and over again. Coming through, unscathed.  
  
Or did they?  
  
The challenge before the panel: A character's reflection on an event.  
  
But not the beasties, not the Armageddons.  
  
A personal one.  
  
The death or leaving of a loved one; A possession of the mind or the body; Killing or nearly killing a loved one; Declarations of love, accepted or rejected. An event that hit the character a little bit closer to home. Maybe it only affected them. The reflection can occur right after the event, or years later. 


End file.
